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Adi & Praja 139

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Adi and Praja

Chapter 9

Issue 139: Hatred and Anger

a 92 year old lady, and it was still wearing lipstick and had its hair permanent-waved and painted black. Poor old lady – she would never become old. And she should never had imagined that she was good enough to venture into the sacred and scary land. 


(hatred and anger)

Shano saw all this despite his hunger and other inconveniences, because his curiosity had not yet been completely extinguished. It was all in a flash. Then his mind and psychology changed as a result of the process and Shano became as he had never been before. He had never hated anyone, or felt any revenge, and had always been strong enough to overcome any disappointment. He had never really believed in the existence of evil. He had never felt real contempt for any creature – though by the time he had left the city he had cherished that feeling towards some people – be it only slightly and temporarily. Suddenly he thought of his employer of the computer shop in the city, and he hated him. He wanted to spit him in his face. He felt how he had been cheated in payment, and that he had been unjustly kicked out because that whore had pushed him from his place, and he completely relived the moment he was fired, but more intense. Now, in his memory, in his vision, it was as if his whole world, his whole future collapsed at that moment and that this was purposely done to him by that mean manager because that men had followed his sex drive. What an ugly face had that woman. Though, honestly, Shano could even understand what in her had attracted his boss. He also despised the boy who had tried to kill the sheep, and he thought that he should himself has jerked the knife out is his hand and killed the boy in stead. How sick he felt about the drunk people in the city, and he almost vomited out his hatred for the boys who had robbed him. Not that he cared for the poor children, because he now felt that he didn’t care for these children at all, and only had been satisfying his sentimentality, blindly following the morality of his education in the village. Thinking of his ‘grandparents’ he thought: “Why did they take me in the first place? If they had been good people they would have gone to my boss, beat him up or gone to the police. But they did nothing.” Everything he saw now was gloom, suppressed frustration under a cheap cosmetic layer of village education let loose. He hated his girlfriend more than any of the others, because she had, after all, pushed him away for some reason she hadn’t made clear. Without her action he would never have ended up in this hell. If ever he would come back in the city, he would take revenge, slash the window of the computer shop, rape the whore of his boss, and steal a million candies and sell them for as much as possible to the poor children, so that he could buy a computer for himself. Then he would design games to genuinely would hurt the players psychologically. He would send them to the psychiatrist and beyond. He would sit on a fighting motor bike carrying explosives, so that at the highlight of the game he would blow up the whole city. Every single hidden or suppressed or negativity came to the surface of Shano’s consciousness accompanied by negativities put into the thought atmosphere by others. At the same time all the good ones had left. In the meantime all the monstrous beings stood around him. For them he was the highlight of the party: they were all laughing, cheering and shouting humiliating remarks. Shano felt that he was at the bottom of the hell. He had been there for eternity he knew. His memory had forgotten that there had been a beginning, or that there could be an end. And he would be there for eternity. He was, indeed, at the bottom of hell. There was nothing more terrible in the universe that can be expected or can exist.

In this vision of terror he remembered every detail of his worst experiences, and only the bad part of it. He saw himself, 15 years old, enter the computer shop, like every day. He saw all the things – the puppets, all the electronic instruments and gadgets. And he saw his boss. All normal feelings of joy and happiness that had been there in reality were absent. He just saw everything without any positive emotion. But he felt some undefined, eerie fear within himself. Ever since his boss had refused to give him the computer he had asked for, there had been some feeling of disappointment within him towards the director, as if his cheerfulness had been singing just a half-second tone lower since that time. It had been far under the surface though, and his mind had forgotten. Moreover later, when he gained some understanding of economy, he had realized that a good computer costs more than a month’s salary, so he was ashamed that he had asked for it. Still the vibration of his boss’s reaction remained in him. And now, in this reflective vision while deep under the earth, this disappointment was his only feeling. His understanding and tendency of forgiveness had left him. This he felt when he walked towards the boss. Moreover he remembered that the boss said: “It’s all over now.” He had not taken that seriously, he had not even understood it. But now he felt it as a stomp in his stomach. It indeed was all over now. When he approached his boss, he did so with insecurity, with weakened self-confidence, and now here in the cave utterly without any self-confidence, because the positive side was absent. Then he heard the words: “From Monday on you are not to appear here anymore.” He saw the face of his boss while he said that. He looked right through it, and saw the mixture of suppressed feelings of joy through that face. He saw the face of the young women which had entered the shop a few days earlier, and how the director could not keep his mind away from her since that time. He also saw his inner struggle, at least the negative side of it. The boss was 35, married, and had two children. And Shano saw how the love for his legal wife had suddenly been reduced to minus freezing point, and that he had struggled, and decided to follow his new passion. When he spoke, Shano saw the lie on his face, and the gluttony, and he also saw that he knew that what he was doing to Shano was very unjust. Still he did it. He had made up his choice for himself. In the real situation Shano had been shocked, but optimistic as he was, had soon pushed it aside. But now, his optimism and forgiveness were both absent, and he felt the irreversible words of the boss as a big fist hitting his breast, at the level of his heart. He staggered, but showed no outer sign. It left a deep imprint in his mind, without he himself realizing it. At the same time he saw the sound of the false voice of the director as spikes, as arrows shooting out of his weak, smoky burning half open mouth, and the arrows hit Shano right in his heart. It bled and hurt terribly. Then Shano saw in himself how his defense mechanism started to work. First, – though in the actual situation seven years ago nothing visible had happened – he raised his left arm to defend himself against the arrows and what would possibly follow. The shock on his heart shot down to his tummy, and the impact there was anger. Shano was never angry. But at that time he had felt anger. Now his whole being became anger. He spitted the man in his face, and attacked him and broke his hand and his legs with such an efficiency that the boss would be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. In the actual situation the thought to do this had flashed through his mind, as if it was a memory of something, but of course he and suppressed the feeling immediately. But now it actually happened. He beat and kicked around him like crazy – and the monsters laughed louder and louder. He felt that what he did was of no avail, and that he could not hurt the boss. He was powerless. He left the shop. When he asked for his money he was again humiliated. He saw the greed of the boss as slime flowing from the corner of his mouth. He saw the boss’s thought: “I start a new life now, and I have no more need of that boy, and he is too shy to protest anyway. I have better use the money to buy something for her.” The colors of these thoughts was sickening to see. And his anger turned into hatred. This hated had never really subsided, at least not in Shano’s subconsciousness. He had not even been aware of it, and thought that hatred was something that was and would be no part of him ever. But now Shano was completely absorbed by hatred. He had lost himself. He was no longer Shano.

He relived all his disappointments, which were attacks on his attachments and imaginations. Worse than the boss were the boys who had attacked him and taken his money. He saw the boys as real as could be. He saw their leader, 19 years old, and his face was genuinely evil. Crime was no play for him, it was his very nature. There was some glimpse of love under the surface of his face, but that had become very frustrated. That boy hated everything and everyone. The others were merely his servants, who also showed aggression, but even more fear. Some of the boys really didn’t want to do what they were doing, but had landed in that unfortunate situation by lack of self-confidence and feelings of shame imprinted on their weak souls by their education. But now Shano saw only the evil side. He saw the fear and the aggression as well as the frustration in the boys’ eyes, and how they struggled against the evil force streaming onto them from their leader. He saw how some failed in that struggle. Shano felt his own humiliation, his powerlessness, his anger, and his stifled feeling of contempt for the boys. He wished he could beat them all out of consciousness – kill them … and than grasp his money back – which had now tripled! The monsters, witnessing all this, almost succumbed to their laughter – they hadn’t had so much fun for years, because most people they caught failed at their first test, and where than killed and eaten; and that took only a short time. But this seemed endless fun for them seeing Shano’s endless hell. Shano felt their joy as infinite pain. Every laughter felt like a saw drawn through his bones.

Then, in a flash of less than a second, he heard music, the music he had heard that day near his village, when he was small. He felt a second of courage, he remembered the sunshine outside. His anger, hatred and pain subsided immediately. He felt a glimpse of universal love, even for the monsters. It was only for a second, or even less.

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